londonbard: walking tabby cat, (Tyger) (ain't dead)
[personal profile] londonbard
Years ago a set of survival rules for Halloween was making the rounds on the Yahoo fanfiction areas of the internet and, for rather complicated reasons (that I can't remember,) I edited it and added to it to make it suitable for pet-keepers. Hope it amuses you...

Subject: Re: Halloween horror for pet keepers!

Just in case anyone is planning a seasonal fic.  - With
Halloween almost upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple
rules to help keep this season healthy, happy and safe for both ourselves and our
pets. Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. Although some experts advise, "When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead" this is controversial. An extra bullet, or even a grenade, may let you avoid a lot of trouble or even a sequel.

(Always check that the monster is dead if you are reading this on a Tropical Fish list and the monster is small enough to flush. Readers are cautioned against flushing living monsters. Snakesheads or channel catfish breeding in the sewer may eat the eggs and young of the resident alligators and bring about other ecological changes.)

(Aquatic monsters can sometimes be successfully "returned" to a local pet store, particularly if the store has so many trainees that they are unsure what was stocked last week and who has bought what... Some stores will even accept young godzillas - and so will some amateur pet-owners... )

2. When it appears that the monster is dead, never breathe a sigh of relief, relax and settle down to some serious bonding behaviour. It is stunned or faking and it will wake up and get you.

3. When the monster has been disposed of, check carefully for egg-sacs, cocoons, etc. - and carry a weapon.

4. Remember that the monster's parasites will leave the body and look for another host ....

5. Be aware that monsters aren't easily influenced, calling a monster Fluffy, Cuddles, Gismo - or Angel - doesn't necessarily help.

6. Skin-changers rarely make good pets.

7. Very few creatures with stop-lamp-red eyes make good pets...

8. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke - be particularly careful if you have named your black cat Devil.

9. Never SCAN a book on demons - there are enough dubious types on the Internet already.

10. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. If you are using it as a fish-and reptile house, do not try to save your lionfish, iguanas, etc. at that point. (10b; Do not assume that a knowledge of reptilian pets qualifies you to recognise a dragon's vulnerables.)

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody
else's voice.

12, If your pets start foaming at the mouth, making sounds like human speech and/or develop red glowing eyes, load that gun......

13, When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.

14, When you have been told that the demon can possess anyone or *anything* do not take your pit-bull with you, especially when travelling by car. (14b; cats can be worse.)

15. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell (unless you have urgent business there.)


16. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
 
17, Do not allow your dog or cat out alone to attend to necessities if there is a cemetery, grave, tomb or crypt anywhere nearby. Litter-boxes may lead  to fewer problems in the long run. 
 
18. Remember that a prehistoric burial site, or the grave of a murder victim, may be found almost anywhere.

19. If you're searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it's not just the cat, get out!

20, Think about what the noise *was* - some noises made by pets on Halloween mean get out anyway!!

21. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. (Hear that howling? That's what I mean!)

23. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
 
24. Do not allow your pets to pick up bones or other items that may have owners.

25. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get out.

26. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing. Even if you do know what you're doing, remember that your creations may develop their own agendas, (and aren't
the flower-horn and the parrot cichlid *enough*?)

27. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

28. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

This also applies to your dog, ferrets, piranha, cats, bats and parakeets.... Fish that become hairy should be handled with particular care.

29 If your companions are bitten by Aanything you might as well shoot them
now and save yourself a lot of trouble.

30 Superstition states that vampire-plecos can be killed by spelling "Hypostomus plecostomus” correctly.  However, many aquarists have been seriously sucked while attempting this. 
A well-sharpened pencil is suggested as an alternative method of defence.
 
31. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine - especially Derry.

32. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. (OTOH, if you wander up to the castle there is a slight chance that you'll be following Brad and Janet.)

33. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased
companions.

34. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.


35. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.


31. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard. See also the notes above on naming cats and dogs - try to avoid calling Lucifer in for a plate of pilchards and, if you do, don't call it in by name, adding "Dinner's ready..........."

32. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.

33. If you do, take more than one map.
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